Been struggling the past couple of days. I was in my element during the holiday rush so now that that has worn off I’m left here with just me and. my thoughts.
I had picked my word of the year so quickly — perseverance -persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Then it hit me today, this has been my word since I got sober. Getting sober was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, and I persevered. Not only did I persevere but I went back to school just 3 months in to keep myself busy, to juggle all the fucking balls, to keep so busy that I didn’t have time to think about the two decades I had poisoned.
When I hit a year I still didn’t feel like I was doing enough so I signed up for another course….completed that and still I felt empty. Why wasn’t I feeling satisfaction from achieving these major goals. Why am I still chasing things outside of me in order to feel complete? I understand everything that has happened to me, I understand my trauma but have I truly sat with it? Am I just stuffing it down by educating myself with facts rather than emotionally processing it? When things are good I am waiting for something to go wrong and if things go wrong I find myself paralyzed and stuck in those emotions. Another fucking hamster wheel.
I think my word last year was authentic. “2022 the year to be the most authentic you.” I think it’s safe to say I rode that word this year. I have no regrets, my year was full of ups and downs, twists and turns but I stayed true to who I am. This year I am changing my word from perseverance to becoming. Definition-the process of coming to be something or of passing into a state. Begins to be.
My outside world will continue to change. People will grow and develop on their own time. Patterns will repeat themselves but it is up to me to change how I will react and that is where we hold our power. Every action doesn’t need a reaction and I don’t need validation from the outside world on who I am, on who I am becoming. No certificate or degree will make me feel better. Nothing from the outside world will fill this void. It is up to me to nurture, take care of and release the feelings I have. It is there that I can walk firm and proud of who I am because I accept that I am always in a state of becoming.
What’s your word for 2023?