I couldn’t’ breathe.
I wasn’t’ breathing.
I was stuck.
Caught in suffocation under all my wrong doings. I couldn’t breathe therefore I didn’t’ exist. I was a walking shell of myself to my family. I was stagnant. Deprived of water, air and food.
I was giving parts of myself that were worthless. I was not there for my family the way that they needed me there. I was not putting on my oxygen mask first because I thought that I had to continue giving of myself because if I didn’t I was being selfish.
I was supposed to be there for my family no matter what.
Sick, show up.
Mentally exhausted, show up.
Physically tired, show up.
Just. Show. UP
Sober. Clear minded. Now I realize the importance of putting on my oxygen mask first. How could I give something I did not have? How was I breaking off pieces of me when I had none to give?
When you have an overflow of air you are able to be there for yourself, for your family and other people that need you.
You can actually survive by helping others survive.
I was giving to my family worthless chunks of myself. Pieces they could discard because they were pieces that held no emotional growth.
There are times where the voice in my head tells me I should not be doing this but instead I should be doing that. “That” being tending to my family first without doing the things I need in order to survive.
I refuse to listen to that voice anymore. I know that without filling my cup with prayer, positive reading, writing and mindfulness exercise I will not be fully present for my family. I will become a shell once again. A shell of someone who is not confident with herself and her feelings. A shell of a person who was not physically or mentally stable. A shell of a person who was not growing herself so how was she to help her kids grow.
Every day I will put on my mask first, I need the air to breath. I need the air to thrive. I need the air to be…….me.