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I had probably listened to this song a hundred times but there was something so different about this day when it went on. Lovesick by Maverik City Music plays again. I was driving to see a friend of mine to go for a walk with my three girls. As I am singing and worshipping, I watch the beauty of nature zoom by my car windows. My life is good. Spring is in full bloom in New England. The trees budding green and vibrant flowers of pink and white hanging off the branches. It looks like a beautiful blur through my peripheral. I take a deep inhale and the smell of fresh morning rain saturates my nose then I hear my daughter next to me singing along with me, hair strands loosely around her face, her eyes closed, taking in the moment just as I am.

“Oh, you cannot deny it, a heart that is desperate, only you satisfy it, a heart that is desperate.” Her small mouth whispers. Suddenly every hair in my body stands on end. I know the power of spirit is surrounding me. And then just like the scenic blur of nature passing by me, I see all my prayers, all the talks I had had in the recent week and all the crying I had done hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears now flowing down my face. I get it now. This void, this hollow feeling I’ve been trying to describe, trying to hide from and have been trying to explain away can only be filled by God. I am desperate for him. I am longing for him. I am mindful that my prayers had recently changed. I kept asking him to make this void go away because it wasn’t depression, so why was I having to deal with it. Every day, I thank him because he has given me everything I have asked for and more. My family, my health, my sobriety and my husband’s sobriety, solid women in my life, support and more. The blessings I am always thankful for every day, then why this void. Why am I left in the liminal space of not understanding this deep desperation while everything and nothing is continuing to go on around me.

Then this. This magical moment I share with my daughter in the car while she sings and holds my hand because she has noticed I am crying. Spirit enlightens me that, sometimes, he needs to empty me to fill me again. It wasn’t a “bad” empty, I didn’t feel incomplete or depressed. It was an empty I was curious about and wanted to understand. The emptiness I experienced can only be filled by him, his love, his grace, his mercy, his patience, and his peace. I stayed patient during this time. I wasn’t mad, and I wasn’t blaming. I lived in contentment and prayed. I prayed for understanding and guidance because when you pray, he answers. No, it’s not a loud boasting voice and it’s not always a physical sign but there are times where it is just a deep understanding that you know can only come from him.

Sometimes things can feel dark and confusing but hold onto the faith that He is there. He never leaves our side. He is watering your soul, nurturing that seed that was instilled in you so, so long ago and it is due to spring out at any moment. Be patient and kind with yourself today. Stand confident in the knowing that whatever space you are moving through there will be a miracle of light waiting for you on the other side.

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