The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His names sake.
Psalm 23 1-3
I didn’t want anything in my addiction days. I just wanted drugs, I wanted fun, friends, and freedom. Yet I wasn’t free at all. I didn’t want relationships or commitment. I didn’t want anyone to get to close to me and if they dared to, I would make sure to hurt them first. I was not going to leave myself open and vulnerable to this world. All my paths were destructive.
I am still and will always be a work in progress. First 6-9 months of sobriety I still wore a heavy veil of protection. Maybe knew some names and faces in the community I was a part of but never felt the need to learn anyone’s name or be invested in their lives. This would probably be just a short blip on my radar as most things in life for me were. I was constantly moving when I was younger. My dad was an alcoholic and moving always made things fun and exciting for a while, but the addiction followed us wherever we went. I was always excited to make new friends and it came naturally to me, but I always made sure they were surface as I never knew when we would up and leave again. This pattern of behavior followed me my whole life. I desperately wanted deep meaningful relationships but wasn’t anywhere long enough to have one and once I did, I always managed to blow it up.
These layers of protection are constantly shedding themselves but not without a fight first. It’s hard to let go of what keeps us protected and leaving us open to a world that could hurt us. Now that I surrender daily to God, I have an inner peace knowing that I don’t have to constantly be on the defense. He is guiding me and taking me down pastures that are safe and even if there is hiccup I don’t have to be on guard because he is my protector. I don’t need anything now because he is my protector. I will always have enough, and I am free with him.
What is holding you in bondage?